of farewells and goodbyes

This afternoon, xiao-jin left the human world. Though I was extremely devastated and cried, I eventually realised that it could have been better this way. Ever since his respiratory infection, xiao-jin was never quite the same as before. He would eat, but he was also lethargic and seldom moved, save to bite his food.

And when early afternoon I saw tt he was even too weak to resist when I turned him upside down, I tucked him between two layers of tissue, and whispered, with tears in my eyes and my throat all choked up,

"xiao-jin, I know you tried to hold on for me, and I know you tried your best, but maybe.. maybe its time for you to let go, and move on to wu-gui heaven. You won't have to suffer anymore. And no matter what, even though I only had you for 3 mths, I still love you."

Those were the last words I said and tt xiao-jin heard. When I stepped out of the shower, he was already gone. His body was limp, his limbs hanging by his side.

I picked up the phone and dialled the number from memory.

"honey?...." was all I could muster, before I broke down. I felt tt it could have been my fault - if I had brought xiao-jin to the vet, perhaps he could have been saved. If I had been more perservering in keeping him in warm water, perhaps he would have recovered. If I had loved him more, perhaps he would have held on longer.

'If' and 'perhaps' - don't we all have such regrets?

Chong rushed down upon hearing me break down, and together, we buried xiao-jin under the same spot where Little Tort was laid to rest previously. I willed myself not to cry, because I knew it hurt Chong to see me hurting so bad. He held me in his arms, and in his tight embrace, I felt comforted.

And I know xiao-jin has gone on to a happier place, with no sickness and no sadness.

R.I.P. Xiao-Jin

18th Feb 2007 - 23rd May 2007

You will be missed