the regret of all regrets

Last night I did something very wrong. The severity of the situation did not strike me till I got home safe and sound - and then I breathed a sigh of relief tt I managed to get home safe and sound despite what I'd done.

I know I once said tt I live life without thinking back and regretting over anything, but this time round, not only could I have hurt myself physically, I wld have ended up hurting the boyfriend emotionally. Lest to say, after telling the boyfriend about what had transpired, he was very, very unhappy with me. In fact, I think I can say that he was angry with me, and this morning he wanted me to leave him alone while he cooled down over the matter.

Thing is, I know now that what I did was wrong, extremely risky, and I placed my life in the hands of a stranger (somewhat). At first when the boyfriend said that he didn't know if he should be angry or not, I felt a little surge of anger myself.

I felt tt he was being unreasonable over the entire situation. I thought tt he was making a big fuss of what had happened; when he should be relieved and glad instead. Relieved tt I got out safe and sound, and glad tt I told him abt it immediately and not try to keep it from him.

But after cooling myself down, together with the boyfriend justifying why he felt the way he did, it dawned on me that he was right. It was right of him to get angry. If our roles were reversed, and if what happened last night happened to the boyfriend instead of me, I would be, frankly, pissed. And with tt the whole bubble of anger in me disappeared.

Only to be filled with another emotion: guilt.

I feel consumed with guilt now that I had allowed myself to step into such a situation as last night's. As a female of 22 years, I shld have enough common sense not to place myself in such obvious danger. The only thing I can blame it on were the 3 glasses of white wine I had earlier at dinner, and the easy, relaxed atmosphere I thought I was in. Which led to me drinking a bottle of e33, and making myself erm, still sober, but I doubt I wld have passed an alcohol limit test at that time.

e33, drunk quickly, is my personal poison. Cider makes me high.

On my bus ride home after work, thoughts kept running through my mind. I felt tt I had acted in an extremely stupid manner, and I don't see how I can actually forgive myself for that. The boyfriend tells me he's alright now, and doesn't want to talk about it anymore - but all the more I can't allow myself to forgive myself. I feel like I need time alone, to reflect and yes, to put myself on a guilt trip, because I know tt I truly deserve one.

Crazy thoughts went through my mind. I wanted to msg the boyfriend and tell him tt I think we should take a temporary break from each other - so tt we can both cool down and get the whole situation over deep within ourselves. But I couldn't bear to send that msg, cos I knew tt if he had agreed to it, it wld break my heart even further.

And so I am in a dilemma. All I want to do right now, is to go over and give him a hug, tell him how sorry I am, reassure him tt I really do love him a lot, and tt I will never do anything like that again to threaten our relationship. It's also a matter of trust, and I think we do need to build that up.

But the boyfriend is on night shift this week - and there's no way I can go over without arousing my parents' suspicion. Sigh. My heart does not feel well - there's an uneasy and unsettled feeling inside of me right now. *sigh*