Alone
There are times tt I wish I can really be just alone - in the truest sense of the word. I'm tired of having to be civil and nice when all I want to do is scream and sigh and just be left.. alone. There are times, recently especially, when I feel tt I'm exhausted by the commitments tt I have - family, the boyfriend, and work.
I crave for solitude, an inner peace, but somehow it seems beyond my reach. I'm also afraid that one day, if I really attain solitude, I will regret it and crave company. What a contradiction. But it's these contradictions that make life the way it is, and not just one straight and smooth-sailing road that we travel on.
I once said tt I'll give myself six months in my current relationship to see if things wld work out; and if it doesn't, tt it wld be better to just end it rather than string someone along further and waste each other's time. The six months have come and gone, and you know what? I don't have an answer to my question. I don't know if we'll work out. I don't know if he's the one for me - if he shld be the one I spend the rest of my life with. And these thoughts are nagging at me, leaving me melancholy and unsure.
I don't want to commit everything, only to find out at the end tt I am left with nothing. You may say let time take its course - but no, I cannot afford to let tt happen. It's either a yes, or a no. And yes, I think tt I'm still scarred by my previous relationship, and yes, I don't know if I'll ever heal from it. And yes, I've lost my optimism.
Is it tt when there is doubt, it signals that something is wrong?
He's been away for close to 20 odd days now, and he's coming back this Wed, not so far-off actually. I don't really know how to describe the days tt he's not here; all I can put in words is tt I think its rather destructive to a relationship when one partner isn't physically in the same country as you. Not tt anything bad has happened, but it's also not tt nothing hasn't.
It's really so hard to put what I feel into words, and I don't think I even want to try. I just feel lost, and yes, as my msn nick reads, I think tt perhaps, I'm better off alone. No commitments to anyone, and I can come and go and do as I please. And then I have to deal with lonliness, should it come.
I think this post might upset him, but what good is a blog if I can't even express how I truly feel? So it shall be then, we'll just have to work things out from here.
2 comments:
Doubt is not necessarily a bad thing. It is far better to have doubts and to have answered them than to continue without knowing for sure.
Wanting time alone and personal space is not quite the same thing is not wanting a partner in life.
Just like height, I'll say again, why put a hard limit on when or how such a decision is to be made?
I think you will know best when you see him again, your heart will answer for itself.
*big hug*
-- you-know-who-I-am
Candice sent me an email, with her comments, and I'm publishing it here (:
Hey girl.
Ur comments page require me to log in so i'm sending u an email instead.
Havent spoken to u in a really long time, and the last time we met at Marina Square, I duno issit me or what, i felt some awkwardness.
Anyways, here just what I think about what u mentioned about ur r/s with Chong..
Hmmm, as I was reading it, I was reminded of this article on rushing into marriage in FEMALE magazine (i just bought it yst haha, cant decide to get that or CLEO)... and a marriage counsellor said couples need at least 1 yr of getting along to decide if they are for each other... because it takes 1 yr for the flaws (and strengths) to appear and then u can decide, if u are willing to accept those, and also, u hv the time to talk abt how to reconcile differences.
I'm not trying to say that ur time which u set for urself is "wrong" or what... but I just feel that if he's been able to give u so much joy in these 6 mths, why not give it another 6 mths for a 2nd evaluation?
As for solitude... i was wondering why the contradiction occurs. What is ur love language? Is it physical? That's why after 30 days ur heart flutters and lost its direction? I duno of cos.. but maybe it will shed light if u do find out? Or maybe u already know.
I would like to encourage u to give urself another chance. Don't escape into where u think u are safer -- without commitments and only loneliness... Let the Love btw you and Chong strengthen ur heart.. such that with his love and ur love, and his commitment and ur committment, u can hv both ur solitude yet not worried abt loneliness... and u have to first get pass urself to wanna build that Love in order to get out of this scarring-survival phase.
Of course, at the end of the day it is ur choice and no matter what I will be there if u need me, though of cos u hv ur 2 sisters. And i agree with ur friend who left a comment -- ur heart will answer for itself :)
lovelove,
candice
Post a Comment