mixed feelings

Met up with Yin yesterday for an afternoon of shopping and catching up. It was a good session; as all sessions with my besties usually go, and I enjoyed myself. Amidst the shopping and the gossiping, we sneaked in serious topics as well - mostly pertaining to myself. I'm just going to pen down my thoughts as they come; and try my best to be honest.

I have a crush on a guy. He's a colleague who just joined the company recently. The first 6 weeks I knew him, he was just another guy. Possibly eye candy, and left it at that. It was only when we started chatting online that I realize he had a great sense of humour, and it was this sense of humour that I admit attracted me to him. Yet I have not, and am not, going to do anything about it. After all, I am attached and he's just a passing distraction.

Yet I wonder, if it was mutual attraction, would I do anything about it?

The moral, and ethical answer, would be OF COURSE NOT! I can imagine people giving me horrified looks at this point in time. And they would say, "hello. Aren't you already attached? It's wrong to think this way!" Yes I know that I'm attached. Yes I know it's morally and ethically wrong. But emotions are a hard thing to control. You can control your head, but you can't always control your heart.

At the end of last night and all the talking with Yin, I decided that the crush shld end. And I know it will end, naturally, since he's just a passing distraction. But the scary thing was - it seemed as if I'm not completely ready to commit to the current relationship that I'm in. If I was wholly committed, I would not be entertaining thoughts of "what if" at any point in time. If I was wholly committed, I would not be having crushes on other males. If I was wholly committed, my mind would only be filled with thoughts of my current partner.

And therefore I am torn inside. Torn as to how I feel and how I think. It's not as if I want a break-up; it's just I am questioning my commitment to my current partner and the relationship that I'm in. Yet I know that I love him, and that he loves me. Is love really all that enough that keeps you going ten, twenty, thirty years down the road?

I don't know. I really wished I did.