fears

It's scary. I'm afraid of closing my eyes and going to sleep.

What are the odds that you have the same nightmare, repeated twice in three days? Well, I experienced that. Once on Saturday night, and once again just now when I was in the midst of my afternoon nap.

The nightmare involved the Boyfriend cheating on me.

In the first one, he did the cheating right in front of me. And I remember that even when I ran from the scene, he did not chase after me immediately. He only came looking for me after he had his fill of fun. And I remember crying in my dream, and in my sleep as well. It felt so.. real - the feeling of being heartbroken.

I told the Boyfriend my dream and he said it was just that - a bad dream.

But just now I had the same nightmare again. This time it felt even more surreal. The Boyfriend was overseas [like he is now] when a girl suddenly called my mobile and told me that my boyfriend was in love with her. I remembered defending Chong, saying how he's a devoted boyfriend who would never cheat on me. So she challenged me to give him a call - which I did, and somehow this lady officer picked up the call and told me that Chong was not available then.

I ended up giving him several missed calls, all the while praying hard that everything was not true. When I finally reached him on the phone, he sounded so distant. And he apologised. He told me that the girl had even gone to the airbase to send him off the day he left [while I was at work] and that they had hugged, nothing more.

You know, at this point in time in the dream, I think my heart just broke. I felt so.. betrayed by someone whom I love so much. It felt as if it was really happening. The emotions where you feel this... heavy sadness in your heart that you just can't bear. I remembered crying, nothing new. I then asked him what he was going to do about it; and he told me he wouldn't see that girl again.

The point is, I was willing to forgive him for his indiscretion. In real life, I've always told him that if he ever cheats on me, I will walk out of this relationship. Does that mean that I've come to treasure the r/s so much that I was even willing to compromise on my principles? Does that mean that I can't live without him in my life?

I don't know. It seems that I've been plagued by doubts in this time period that he has been gone. I have no idea why this nightmare seems to be recurring, but I guess I now have an idea of how it would be if the tables turned on me [in reference to the previous blog entry]

Deep down, I think I'm really afraid of losing Chong. I truly believe that I will not be able to pick myself up emotionally if the relationship was to end one day.

I'm just feeling really scared that things will not be the same anymore when he comes back. Will he still be sweet to me after what I've done? Will there be emotional distancing from him? Will things not go back to the way it was?

And bloody hell, tears are rolling down my face as I'm typing this.

I am just so afraid.