doomsday

I think most of you already know that I'll be going back to my alma mater, and the phrase "to serve and to contribute" is one that I have heard many times over the past 3 days of induction.

I remember when I received the letter and found out the news, I was glad yet apprehensive. Glad because it meant not going back the the previous place [not tt it's such a bad place], but apprehensive because the stakes are so high. So very high.

All eyes are looking at me - those from the top to the bottom. I've already been labelled as "the ex-student"; and as comforting as that may sound, it does mean a certain set of responsibilities and expectations. These responsibilities and expectations are much more, and at a higher level, than those of my peers. Already I've come to experience this - I've been given the role of subj. level coordinator as well as placed in a team tasked to produce a new curriculum.

Not that these responsibilities are unwelcome; in fact, I know that if I excel in them [or should I say perform], it would look good. Yet these responsibilities are extremely daunting, especially to someone as new as myself.

Am I able to produce and perform what is expected of me?
Am I able to stretch them as much as they need to be stretched?
What if I can't complete my tasks and fulfil my responsibilities?

And underneath all these questions: what if my initial decision to come back proves to be a wrong one?

As Monday draws closer, I am increasingly feeling a sense of apprehension and fear. There are so many things coming to my face, and I am worried. I know I'm a worrier by nature... but then again, my worries are not unfounded. Already, my opinions have been sought, and I am expected to be outspoken and proactive, especially since I am serving.

Of course it's not as if they own my life. But my bread and butter depends largely on them - and again, what if I cannot meet the expectations set out for me?

*sigh* somehow, I just KNOW tt if I had gone back to my previous attachment, these worries would not be there. I've already proven my worth over there, and it's just so difficult to have to do it all over again. Plus, the circumstances here is vastly different from the previous place.

The boyfriend is on night shift; and somehow, I feel so alone now. I wish he was around for me to talk to, even if he might not really understand the situation.

Is this how my life would be if I were single? That IS a scary thought. =(

The next 3 years of my life... signed, sealed and delivered.