I'm really sorry.

I've never felt this way before.

I've never understood how easy it could be to turn someone away; and how hurt the person could be with just your one single action.

He comes across as the guy every girl could ever want. He's expressive, caring and romantic. On our first and only date, over dinner, he gave me a bookmark with my name engraved on it. Do you know I've never managed to find any of those typical name-gifts with my name on it? And he said, when there's a will, there's a way.

In the cinema, before the movie started, he asked me close my eyes. I heard some rummaging. And when he asked me to open my eyes, there, in front of me, was the most perfect blue rose. A single stalk - but the gesture made me smile. A blue rose, he explained to me, means "you're special".

He teased me and made me smile; and I was thinking, this is one guy whom, if I let him, will really try his best to love me, and to make me feel loved every single moment.

But I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to give him false hope; to let him think that from friends we could proceed to good friends, and eventually be together sometime in the future. And so I told him, in my straight-forward manner, that we could only be friends. Good friends, perhaps, but not more. And for him not to waste his time and effort on me anymore.

What made me feel like a total bitch, was the reason why I couldn't accept him as more than a friend. I'm superficial. I will not be able to accept a guy who is short. Or at least someone who's around the same height as me. I just can't. I love my heels. I love the feeling of security that comes when standing next to a taller guy.

They say superficial guys who judge girls on their looks are jerks. Well, tt makes me a female jerk then.

I told him two reasons why I only wanted him as a friend - firstly, I'm not looking to be in a relationship. I'm semi-enjoying the feeling of being single and having no one to answer to. No one to nag at me. And yes, of course, no one to care if I've eaten, or to shower me with concern when I'm sick. No one to keep me company when I'm lonely. But I'm just not ready to commit myself to a relationship. I'm not ready to open my heart and let down my defences. Sure, the Ex obviously is quite successful in doing so, but we're not in a competition, are we?

And the second, the greater truth, was that I really prefer tall guys.

Thinking back on last night, I've really managed to hurt someone who cared for me, who showed me concern, and who really could accept me for who I was - not-thin and otherwise. And yet in turn I couldn't do the same for him, and this makes me feel guilty.

What made me feel worse was him telling me not to blame myself for my decision; that he even implored why God couldn't have granted him height above everything else. He asked why I had to be so clear-cut, to not even give him the chance to woo me, treat me well, and touch my heart. All the while looking into my eyes and telling me, "do you know tt I really like you a lot?"

Never has a guy said that to me. Not even the Ex.

And if one day I come to regret my decision, it would be too late. And I will only have myself to blame.