to know or not to know?

"I can't believe how I'd fallen for you" sings Lauren Wood, playing on my wmp now.

Sometimes I think I really inflict self-torture on myself. Why do I have to seek answers to questions that seem better to be left alone? But I'm the type of person who, when a question pops into my head, I'd rather seek the answer than to be left wondering.

And so the question tt was burning in my mind, I finally asked. And I received the answer. Initially there was a sort of numbness to how I felt; a sort of "ok lor" kind of reaction. There were no tears - I couldn't summon up any. My heart just felt like it was on fire, and er-jie asked me how I was feeling.

It wasn't really anger or sadness, but a sort of disappointment. A sense of disappointment in myself, to have spent 3 years with the Ex, and he only takes a month to get over these 3 yrs and the relationship we had. I've told him I've moved on, which is true in the sense that I've accepted the fact of our break-up... but to hear him tell me tt he's already in another relationship so soon; and tt he doesn't feel tt he's a jerk because of this - it really makes me want to stop breathing.

It makes me want to shake him, to confront him, to shout and to blame - but then again, at the end of the day, do what I want really matter anymore?

York told me to leave it alone, to seek escapism. Er-jie told me to ask, to get peace of mind. In the end I chose to be brave to confront the issue, and what does it get me? As usual, I only have myself to blame.

A sense of loss and desperation, that the past 3 yrs were a sham. Did I really make a wrong choice?

And what i really really want to know: deep down, did I really meant nothing? It feels this way now, and I really don't know how to feel anymore.

People tell me I'm strong, but I'm not. I'm just so emotionally tired tt I really feel unstable. And it seems like I'm thrown back to when it first started, and now I have to start the climb all over again.

Do I really mean nothing at all?

p.s. and I've lost so much weight in a mth tt its almost scary.