questions and doubts

It is in the darkness of night that the solitude seems to strangle me and choke me out of my confined impassiveness. Under the cover of the dark, the tears threaten to come. Not to sob; but to flow down gently to my soft pillow. I've never felt so abandoned, so lost..and most of all, so alone.

Alone in the sea of people I call friends - and yet I can't seem to eununciate my thoughts and emotions to them. Alone in this cold world, where no one really cares if I'm shivering from the cold; or from the lonliness. There's no where and no one to turn to, but even if there was, can I even put how I feel into words? I don't want words of sympathy or pity, nor do I want words of comfort. For there are things in this world that no amount of comfort and sympathy can make better.

I want to cry. I want to give in to my emotions and sob. Cry out loud. But I can't. Because I have to be strong and deal with whatever curves life throws me. Only then will I emerge stronger. And I fear, more cynical as well. More barriers will be erected to face future situations like this. My heart will be stronger, and more immune as well. It will not be easy to touch my heart - not with sweet words nor with sweet actions.

Survival of the strongest - isn't that what Darwin has expounded into us? Into our instincts? To survive, you need to be strong; and turn away from actions that will weaken you. And tears weaken me, even for that moment.

But I can't help it. Can't help the tears that flows down. So I do what is next best - I wipe it off and refuse to allow it to linger on my face.

Why do we pretend nothing has happened - when something obviously has? Words have being spoken, perhaps out of anger, spite or simply impassiveness; but why do we act as if they have not? These words, spoken in a moment, linger on in our memories...and surface subconsciously every once in a while.

Maybe you're putting on a front. Maybe I am. At this point, I am lost and confused. And I don't know what I want...anymore. I don't know what to expect and what to hope for, and I don't know what is going to happen in the future. My heart feels heavy and I can only pray that a light will lead me out of this tunnel.

I will survive. Even if it takes me months, I will. For I must. I must learn to be independent and strong. Stronger than you will imagine.

But as I type these words, my sense of depression is setting in again. After so long, it has come to seek me out. Hallo my old friend..I've come to live with you again, it says. I try to battle it, but I am not strong enough. For now. And so it settles down into me, so comfortably as it knows me so well. I am weak now, but time will make me strong again.

Till then, I won't give up.