auld lang syne, my dear

Sometime between the Break-Up and turning 23, the eternal optimist in me died.

I'm no longer the kind of girl who believes in happily-ever-afters; who trusts in fidelity and everlasting love; who feels that love will last between two persons. I really wish I can say that I believe wholeheartedly in these ideals, but there's no point in denial - I don't believe, not anymore.

I've wondered where that optimist in me has gone, and whether she'll come back. But deep down I know that something once dead can never be revived. It's shown me, and proved to me, that the Break-Up had long-lasting effects on me and my heart. After all, it was totally unexpected on my end, and to suddenly be told that someone you loved no longer loves you nor wants to be with you - it's like a kick to the stomach, leaving you with no room or air to breathe. Leaving you lost, feeling unwanted, and most of all, feeling that you never want to love anyone so much again, ever.

The period in which I was single, short as it may have been, was really the most liberating one ever. Of course, that was after all the crying, the depression and the feelings of unwantedness. It's liberating having no one to answer to except yourself; liberating to indulge in all the sinful deeds of humankind; and liberating to just be.. yourself, without fear of judgement. It's not that being in a relationship restricts you in all these ways; but admit it, you can never be as liberated as you were when you were single.

If I were someone who doesn't crave being loved, I would choose to be single. I'm being brutally honest here [it is my blog, after all]. I would choose to break up with the person with whom I'm currently in a relationship in, and be single, and liberated, all over again. But I crave beng loved, and that is the one thing that can pull me down.

I don't want to be hurt all over again. They say love comes at a price, but I don't want to have to pay the price. I don't want to commit my heart and my feelings to Chong, only to find that one day in future, he wants to return my heart and my feelings back to me again. I don't want to love him and keep on loving him, only for him to tell me one day that he doesn't love me anymore. I don't want to plan a future, or even think about a future with him; only to have my plans backfire on me and for me to have a future.. alone by myself.

I cannot love someone unless I know that he loves me more than I do. And that is really so selfish, isn't it? I know. I am so selfish. I've never denied that.

I know nothing can ever be certain; that change is the only constant - but shouldn't I protect my heart and my feelings as best as I can? And to me, the best way to do that is to shield my heart from loving anyone. I know it'll hurt myself and Chong, but isn't suffering heartbreak now better than having to suffer it two, or three years down the road?

I don't know if he is the cause of my insecurity. I think back, but I sincerely feel that all the actions and deeds that Chong has done, can only make a girl feel secure. So, it must be me then. How cliched, that it is me, and not him.

I hate the Ex for having done this to me. It's true that if he hadn't broken up with me, I would never have met such a wonderful person as Chong. And the past year has really been great - the best year of my life. But I hate him for killing the eternal optimist in me. I no longer wonder where my prince is - if I really do have a prince, he's really, really late for his appointment with me.

And so sometime between the Break-Up and turning 23, the eternal optimist in me died.