crying's all I do nowadays

For a blogger such as myself, one can tell how my life is getting by through the frequency of my posts. 3 posts within 3 days - that is not a good sign. Because I am a blogger who blogs most when I'm feeling down/depressed; and have no one whom I can express my feelings to except this blank empty space of my blog.

2 days/48 hours ago I was living a life of semi-bliss, where I believed my little world was perfect. Who was to expect that just a mere 24 hours later, everything was to go topsy turvey on me.

The Boyfriend sent me a sms thursday night 3.50 am - telling me that he thinks we should go on a break; and asking me to read this email that he has sent. I woke up at 8.45am Friday morning, anticipating an East Coast outing with him; only to wake up to such a sms that, in short, spells doom.

After reading the email and talking for a short while over the phone, I decided that if the Boyfriend thought tt we needed a break to reflect and think through our relationship, I was prepared to give him that. He even told me tt we could keep in contact throughout this period, and as sad and upset that I was, this one point helped brighten things up. After all, I reasoned to myself, this break should not be too bad if we were still in contact.

But still, it hurts deeply when such things happen. Tears just flow down my face, anytime and anywhere. On the sofa watching tv; reading my book; on the bus; and even now, as I'm typing this entry in the library, my eyes are welling up.

I am a crybaby, but I haven't cried so much in a long time.

And then, this morning, he told me that he was tired of everything. Tired of all the arguments, the disagreements, the empty promises... and he told me perhaps we'll be together, in the future. But I don't want to be together in the future! Then what happens to me now?

And with that one statement, I broke down. I had just ended tuition, and I called him. And simply broke down. I don't want to accept the fact that he doesn't want this r/s anymore. I want to give it another shot. I want us to go back to how things were. So I pleaded. And now I feel pathetic, and so desperate, to have pleaded to him for one more chance.

But love is love, and you've got to fight for it, no matter how much it humbles you.

Not to say that there aren't any problems between us - the age-old issues all rise up again. He tells me he's given us too many chances, and now he's tired and wants to lead a single's life, without any burden or commitment, and that he wants to have time on his own.

Hearing all this really broke my heart. Literally. Shit and now I'm crying in the library.

The thing is: I don't want to give up. I don't want to let go. I am not willing to let a 3 year relationship end just like that, without any fight. But how can I be the only one willing to fight for it?

And you know what? I feel like there's no one I can talk to. I msg da-jie and er-jie and I'm meeting them tomorrow. But what can friends do? They can only listen to you. They can't tell the Boyfriend that I wish for that one last chance to do what I can for us. And in the first place my friends are all so busy with their lives that I don't feel like I can really talk to them anymore.

I feel drained. He wants me to lead my own life. I don't know if I can. And I can't even cut myself bcos I promised friends not to do that anymore.

My life ahead just feels like one bleak and dark road. And I don't know if I have the courage to walk through it, alone.

Why can't I do anything else but cry these days?